The Good, the Bad, and the Stinky

Oh, boy. It had to come up sometime, didn’t it?

adult_brown_marmorated_stink_bug_rutgers_university

I.

FLIPPING.

HATE.

THESE.

THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what they are. Stinkbugs. Brown marmorated stinkbugs, to be exact. I Googled it. Native to China, Japan, and Taiwan. A few years ago, they were — ahem — accidentally brought over to the U.S. (I say “accidentally” because I’m pretty sure it was really the fault of some terrorist group.)

And now . . . they’re EVERYWHERE.

You may wonder what the big deal is. If so, you’ve never experienced having them in your house. They’re called stinkbugs for a reason. If you squish them, you’ll wish you lived in a sewer, because it would smell much better by comparison.

. . .

Okay, that may be a slight exaggeration. BUT STILL!

And forget how smelly they are — LOOK AT THEM! *points back up to picture* They’re bugs, so of course they’re going to look a little gross, but these . . . these things are little demons. Yes. They’re the SPAWN OF SATAN, I TELL YOU! (And they’re probably allied with the squirrels, too.)

I’m calling it now: the deepest pit of hell is not actually a frozen lake, as Dante would have us believe. No. No, it’s something much worse. The deepest pit of hell is an endless lake of stinkbugs that you are forced to swim in.

Naked.

You swim in them, you bathe in them . . . heck, you’ll probably be forced to eat them. I’m getting the heebie-jeebies just typing about it!

Stink-Bug-Army

WAT

Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? I mean, they’re bad enough here on earth. I had one drop from the ceiling onto my leg once, and ever since I’ve had to put a napkin over my drink for fear of stinkbugs dropping into it. I found one crawling on my bed once, and ever since I’ve had to check my bed every. Single. Night.

AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING!!!!!!! Forget about the zombie apocalypse, people — you should be preparing for the STINKBUG APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look, there's even a logo for it already!

Look, there’s even a logo for it already!

*deep breath*

BUT! There is hope! I found a really cool website dedicated to equipping innocent civilians against the inevitable war looming ahead of us. Check it out. Arm yourself. And like this Facebook page, too!

Only YOU can stop the menace. Only YOU can rid the world of this devil spawn.

Only you.

Now . . . excuse me while I go hide in my secret bunker. Good luck, soldier!

And see you all next week if I’m still alive!

*runs off*

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